When we feel like we don't belong.
Published by Maz in Interactions with ourself and others · 22 May 2024
Hi. In this blog I look at our basic need to belong and what we can do when we feel like an outsider.
Our sense of belonging
Our need to belong can be met in different ways, for example;*Friendship groups
*Family and extended family
*Specific interest group
*Culture or race
*A spiritual group
There are many different ways people feel a sense of belonging.
I also think of finding my tribe, the people I feel connected to, they have a similar way of thinking; even if I have never met them but can relate to them through books or films.
Brene Brown studies different emotions and relational experiences.
In ‘Atlas of the Heart’, she made some good points about belonging which she referred to as;
Places we go when we search for connection.
Belonging is essential to wellbeing as we are a social species.
But she goes on to say belonging is only belonging when we can be ourselves, if we have to deny who we are, put a mask on to be someone different this is not belonging ... its conforming, acting out of fear or just fitting in.
This is when we can lose a sense of our own other needs and wants in order to meet our need to belong.
Many of us have a sense that we don't belong
Our life experience could have told us that we don't belong.
This can come from social cues, family experience, social interactions, cultural expectations and prejudices.
The environment (the place and with the people) where we lived, went to school, or worked did not align with who we were, we just could not fit in.
It can be a practical sense of not belonging.
I have poor eyesight and had to give up driving, there have been times I just didn't belong in a group where driving is taken for granted.
If you have any kind of additional needs, you can often have a sense of not fitting in when these needs are not catered for.
If you feel you don't belong, these may be some ways you deal with it;
1) You may deny who you are and what you believe in and go with the crowd.
2) You may feel it's safer to decide you are a loner and do not need the connection of others.
3) You may continually try and prove yourself, try to be better, work harder, achieve more to be acceptable.
4) You may use a sedative, like drink, drugs or other to lose your inhibitions and help you fit in.
5) You may be continually hyper-vigilant to the acceptance or rejection from others, always wanting to check that they see you as being OK so that you can relax when you get their approval.
6) You may just attend, but always carry that sense of not being part of the group, not really belonging.
Your sense of not belonging could be from your past.
Many of us never felt we belonged growing up, and we carry the sense that we don't belong with us now.
When our sense of not belonging is so engrained we can unconsciously (or consciously) be on hyper-alert for signs of rejection.
Any slight comment, body language, or suggestion can trigger our sense of not belonging and we feel like an outsider. This can then affect your confidence to contribute in a group so you hold back, which further adds to your sense of isolation.
NOTE: Being curious about where your sense of not belonging came from can really help in this.
If you don't know, working with a therapist can help you find the source and its hold over you.
What can we do when we feel we don't belong?
For many the key to belonging can start with the acceptance of self.
I have found in my own journey and that of my clients that we seek the acceptance from others, to fill the void of not really accepting ourselves.
The paradoxical theory of change, as part of Gestalt work, Says;
Change occurs when one becomes what they are, not when they try to become what they are not.
Real belonging is when we can be ourselves while still maintaining a connection with others.
This takes acceptance of ourselves, and acceptance of others.
How do we accept ourselves?
For many of us fully accepting ourselves is an ongoing journey, and doing this with a therapist or trusted friend or family member can help.
You may find these ways useful.
1) Consider your traits or roles.
In therapy we often call them 'parts'. We are made up of different ones.
e.g. Honest, risk taking, creative, introvert, musical, energetic, a people pleaser.
Some may be more like roles like a father, son, builder, manager.
Some of your parts may be your natural you, like introverted, or being a mother.
Other parts may well be adaptations which came from how you responded to others growing up; like being a perfectionist, control freak, or easily angered.
Acknowledging and accepting all your parts instead of denying them is important.
2) Learn to accept each part of you with compassion.
If there is a part of you which you don't like you may try and deny it.
Denying parts means they always linger in the background ready to surface when you least want them to. Often those close to you can see these parts in you even when you have denied them in yourself.
Its best to;
i) Own this part
ii) Reflect where it comes from, finding understanding for yourself.
iii) Consider if the part is naturally you, or if you developed it as a way of responding in the past.
iv) Question if you still need to hang onto this part or let it go.
It may be that you need to find resolution with yourself or someone else to let a part go.
3) Our parts often are like a double edged sword.
Each part of us is likely to have both helpful and unhelpful aspects to them.
When we appreciate this we know we need to take the rough with the smooth as we fully accept each part of who we are.
I have chosen examples from my blog on the 13th May to outline how our parts can be double edged.
These parts describe ways we respond to others which we developed as children.
People pleaser: People with this part are more likely to fit in and feel part of a group, they are often seen by others to be easier to be with. However, this can be at the cost of them losing a sense of their own wants and needs.
Resourcer: Someone who is always there for others and considered to have the qualities of being kind and considerate. However, often helping others is at the detriment of their own needs and they can end up feeling put on and taken advantage of.
Fighter: Someone who stands up for their own needs and wants. They are often the passionate ones and are the one to challenge prejudices and injustices. However, they can come over aggressive and some people pull away from this. They have to learn to manage their anger and passion to put over their point so it can be heard.
Flight: This is someone who learnt that to stay emotionally or physically safe they needed to leave. This meant they did not adapt to others so did not lose a sense of who they were. However, this also means that they often feel they are not part of a group and feel they are missing out.
Cry for Help: This learnt way of being means that you identify your needs and have learnt to ask for them. The difficulty comes when others who initially want to respond to you can soon find it too much and pull away.
Submit and Flop: Freezing up: Both of these ways of responding helped us survive during trauma. They can however remain as a part, a way of being which can be worked through with professional help.
4) Enjoy being you.
Once we learn to accept ourselves and all our parts, we don't need to hide who we are. We are not desperately looking for signs that we are being rejected.
We can stop seeking approval from others in order to belong.
The need to conform in order to fit in does not take priority.
When we feel we don't belong we don't have to take it that we are not enough.
We can accept our differences and the differences of others.
We can find those who we relate to, and have similar interests and ideas.
I really like the Gestalt verse for this so wanted to share it with you;
I do my thing and you do your thingI am not in this world to live up to your expectations
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
And if by chance we find each other it's beautiful, if not it can't be helped
Fritz Perls.
I hope you find this information useful. Please leave a comment below, as they can be really helpful.
First names only is fine.
1 review
Brenda Kate Wadsworth
03 Sep 2024
I am wondering if a feeling of 'not belonging' is part if our human condition and that few of us can openly admit it. Maybe we all wear 'masks' in an effort to try to hide this.
I do, however, think that our childhood environment plays a large part in how we view ourselves and the world, along with family genetics which effect our emotional make-up much more than we recognise.
I have been told that I am 'complicated' and although that was a shock, I realised that is exactly how I feel inside.
Great artists in the field of literature, art and music are able to connect and portray the complications of the human condition.
It's amazing really that, although we seek to belong, we are still very much alone.
I do, however, think that our childhood environment plays a large part in how we view ourselves and the world, along with family genetics which effect our emotional make-up much more than we recognise.
I have been told that I am 'complicated' and although that was a shock, I realised that is exactly how I feel inside.
Great artists in the field of literature, art and music are able to connect and portray the complications of the human condition.
It's amazing really that, although we seek to belong, we are still very much alone.