All about our life scripts

Published by Maz in Interactions with ourself and others · 13 August 2024

Hi, welcome to my blog on life scripts.

I often find theories saying similar things but from a different angle. This is the case here, and in 2 of my previous blogs; 'Accepting all aspects of who we are' (17.7/24) and 'Why we respond the way we do' (13/5/24). These also looked at the way we adapt in childhood and develop our way of being with ourselves and others. Even though there are similarities I wanted to include a blog on life-scripts as I have found it so useful, so please excuse any overlaps.

Awareness can help us choose what is right for us.

I have found it so liberating to use the awareness of my own life scripts to help me make different choices, freeing myself from the restrictive way I have always felt about myself. I hope that by sharing my insights into life scripts it might help you gain awareness of your own scripts and consider which you want to continue to embrace, and which you want to step out of and respond differently.

So, what do we mean by life scripts

A well-known therapist Richard Erskine coined the term life-scripts in 1980 as he focused on the relational needs that we have growing up. I explore these needs in my blog on the 20th June 24 "Too needy or just our relational needs".

Taking its core elements I see life-scripts are the unconscious ways we learn to relate to ourselves and others. These ways formed in childhood at times when we had to survive; these could include times when we had to perform, adapt, react, suppress our needs or just hide.

It is in these times, when we feel emotionally or physically 'unsafe' that our scripts about who we are and how we relate to others are formed, developed and then reinforced so that they become part of who we are, how we see ourselves, and how others come to see us, especially within our family dynamics.

So how do we receive our script?

It’s about what we hear directly and indirectly, but it’s also about the vibes we feel, the expectations, the messages that we receive either verbally or indirectly through body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. As children we pick up all the messages especially when we are on the alert, anxious about not being enough, too much, fearful or when our emotional needs are not being met.

The nature / nurture debate.

The debate of what we are born with and what develops through life experiences has taken place for many years.

For me it has always been a mixture of the two.

Some examples of the way people are naturally different ... as in their core self.

Some people are naturally more extroverted while others are more introverted.

Some people are really sensitive and feel deeply for other people and / or living things.

Some people are very logical and can only deal with facts.

Some need to be outdoors and engage with nature and outdoors.

Some people only learn through doing, and need to be active while others like theories and reading facts.

Some examples of the way people are which comes from their interactions with others, their nurture.

Short tempered, easily angered.

Needing to always put others first, ignoring their own needs.

Wanting to hide away, avoiding interaction with others.

Always being defensive.

Seeking approval.

Never satisfied. Perfectionist.

Unable to make decisions or choices for themselves.

Co-created relationships with parents are unique even amongst siblings.

Within a family even though you have the same parents the 'co-created' relationship between each sibling and their parents can be very different. Consider these reasons.

The order you were born in your family, consider the following

∙The oldest can be called upon to take responsibility for the others.

∙A mother’s anxiety can be strong with the first born, and lessen with subsequent children.

∙The youngest may get less attention as there are more to look after.

∙Either or both parents’ circumstances change and with different children, changing their energy levels, time, finances, and ability to emotionally connect will also change.

∙Strict rules may get diluted over time affecting expectations and behaviour boundaries.

Your gender

Our views on gender are very much changing with equality of opportunity however many of us still live with the dynamics of gender differences we experienced in our childhood.
The expectations can be different particularly in relation to careers, housework, interests and looks. Also, the freedom given to boys is often a lot more than girls.

Siblings with additional needs:

When a child has additional needs (physical or emotional) this can understandably take energy, time and focus away from their siblings, extra expectations may be made on them and their own needs missed.

Each parent comes with their own baggage;

Parents come with their own life experiences and their own scripts.

Parents will naturally be drawn to certain personalities and find other personalities more difficult which can affect the way they relate to each of their own children. Children can pick up on this helping to support the forming script belief.

Consider these reasons why a parent may treat one of their children differently from another.

One child might remind them of an unhealthy relationship in their past.

One child might remind them of a part of themselves that they try to ignore or deny.

One child might stir guilt, possibly with a mother that could not find connection at birth.

One child might stir guilt as the parent considered abortion and changed their mind.

The natural core personality of one child is very different from the parent who finds them hard to relate to.

For many reasons the parent finds it hard to cope and one child is naturally more demanding than others

So, considering all these different aspects let’s look at an example of how siblings could develop life-scripts. Take this scenario:

Parents: Jake and Mary met at college. Married at 20 as Mary was pregnant. Jake gave up his hope of university and got a job which was shift work, it was secure but not satisfying. They divorced after 10 years and the children see their dad some weekends. Mary works in a local shop which helps financially. Money is often tight but Jake pays childcare when he can. Mary carries resentment that she is left to care for the children.

Core self:

Stewart: The oldest. He is sensitive to the needs of others and notices when they are struggling. He is quite introverted and tends to keep his opinions and feelings to himself. He studies well and is doing well at school.

Katie: 1 year younger. Naturally an extrovert, and loves going out with her friends. She learns by doing and does not enjoy studying. She does OK at school and has many friends but is looking forward to leaving and getting a job. She tends to get annoyed and says how she feels.

Rebecca: The youngest and 2 years younger than Katie. She is introverted like her brother, sensitive and gets upset when she hears raised voices. Rebecca feels very much for animals and will often bring home a needy animal, including a hedgehog or stray dog.

Some life-scripts that could develop:

Note: there are many possibilities, but I have just listed 4 for each to give an idea.

Stewart:

1. Feels responsible for his mum and sisters, and never relaxes unless they all seem to be fine.

2. Comes over bossy and controlling, particularly to Katie who he feels is irresponsible and lazy.

3. He works hard with everything he does, never really feeling that he is good enough. He puts himself under pressure at school, so determined to do well and please his dad who wants him to go to university.

4. He is not confident around people, and decides that he is not likeable, which means he finds making friends difficult.

Script belief: Perfectionism and fear of failure. He needs to take responsibility for others. Sees himself as a loner, who struggles to make friends.

Katie:

1. As she is always told she is irresponsible, she kind of goes with it. Escapes the chores and goes out.

2. She has decided she is not academic and has stopped really trying at school.

3. She is the 'black sheep' as her mum is always shouting at her and her brother nags all the time.

4. She never feels good enough in her family, so feels like an outsider.

Script belief: Irresponsible. Her brother is the favourite and she is the black sheep. Not intelligent and has no career aspirations. She sees herself as not enough. Feels as though she is unlovable.

Rebecca:

1. Cannot cope with any arguing or raised voices so learns to switch off and go into her own world.

2. Often told she is 'off with the fairies' so believes she is not intelligent, and will never do well.

3. Having learnt that her feelings don't get seen, she feels she does not matter, and is not loved.

4. Believing that it is only animals who she can relate to, she focuses on them isolating herself from others.

Script belief: Unlovable, strange, don't belong and don't matter to others. Unable to make relationships with people, only animals.

Even from these brief examples we can see why people develop a way of being with themselves and with others.

These script beliefs are then carried on into adult life.

Believing our life scripts, we live according to them, which in turn will strengthen them.

We also look out for evidence to support them and often can find it as this is what we are focused on.

So, our life scripts get stronger, and we are more restricted because of them.

Awareness can help us challenge and change our script-beliefs.

It is also worth discussing them with others who you feel safe to talk to.

This is also a precious part of a therapeutic journey which you can do with a therapist to help you gain awareness and identify what your script beliefs are and help you change them.

I hope you find this information useful,

I value your comments. Maz

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