Too needy or just our human needs.
Published by Maz in Interactions with ourself and others · 20 June 2024
Hi, welcome to this blog about what our needs are.
I used to squirm with shame if it was being suggested I was being 'too needy' the shame of it. Our physical needs such as food, clothing, shelter seem to be so much more acceptable than to have what is termed psychological or emotional needs that can be seen as weak, or 'needy', yet they are still our human needs.
If we were to be compared to a computer (which we are not as we are so much more complicated and sophisticated); it would be like our physical needs are the hardware while our psychological needs are the software; both needed for functioning.
An overview of our needs with the help of Maslow?
It was Maslow who started to outline our needs back in the 1940s and 50s with his ‘Hierarchy of needs'; which is still often referred to today. He used a pyramid to indicate how the lower basic needs have to be in place in order for us to have the higher needs met. This makes so much sense. It’s no-good talking to someone about their psychological needs when they are feeling unsafe, starving or homeless. This does not mean that the needs higher up the pyramid are not important, but they are often missed.
What do we mean by psychological needs?
I found it so useful learning and reflecting on these needs but I also found it confusing as they would be referred to in different ways.
Our psychological needs are referred to in mainly 3 different ways;
Emotional needs: The needs we have to feel happy and at peace with ourselves and the world.
Developmental needs: The needs we have as children and adolescents.
Relational needs: The needs which we have in relationships with other people
All of these three areas are important and overlap with each other.
I wanted to share with you the needs that I have found most relevant in my own journey and in my work, and for this blog refer to them as emotional needs.
Our needs that we missed when we were growing up.
I believe that people do the best they can at the time, with the emotional and physical resources available to them. However, this often means that parents don't manage to meet their children’s needs.
It may be that your physical needs were met, you were clothed, fed, housed, kept safe and you felt you were well looked after. It may have been that some of your emotional needs were not met. It may well be that your parents did not have the emotional capacity and skills to meet these needs in you.
Emotional needs:
Note: These needs are listed in very basic terms to give an overview. It's worth considering each one and if and how it may apply to you.
Our need to be held: From birth we need to know the safety and comfort of being held. Sometimes this can get missed due to traumatic events at the time of birth, such as separation or depression in the mother. Repair usually takes place as the parent child bond is developed and grows. In some cases the parent may have never managed to fully bond with the child. It may also be that the parents felt it best practice not to comfort the child in this way. As an adult there may always be a yearning to be held, it can feel like a void which can't be filled. In contrast we may have a sense of feeling emotionally unsafe at being held and avoid being physically comforted by another and we inwardly recoil.
Our need to be seen and valued: This could be seen as two needs but I have put them together as I feel they are so closely linked. There is so much in this; we all need to feel we are noticed; who we are and what we do is seen and valued. Our childhood experiences can become what we expect. Imagine the difference in these two scenarios.
A 7-year-old brings home a picture they have done at school and gives it to their parent who then says how wonderful it is, and proudly puts it on the fridge. Alternatively, the parent dismisses the efforts and the picture ends up in the bin. If the child's lived experience is for their efforts to be dismissed it does not take long for the child's learnt way of being is not to be valued. In adult life they continue not to expect to be seen and valued; they may allow themselves to be taken advantage of, and can end up not valuing their own time and skills. The yearning to be seen, valued and appreciated never leaves them but it may go unchecked and suppressed.
Our need to be heard: It may be that we are wanting to give our opinion, or express our needs or desires. Maybe we are just wanting to contribute as part of a group but we all need to be heard. Yet for many, our experience growing up, and in adult life was that we were not listened to. It may also have been that what we had to say was missed, disregarded, ridiculed, or we were just ignored. We could end up habitually expecting that we will not be heard, so we have learnt it's not worth giving our opinion, or stating our needs. We can also be affected by a culture that is so busy doing, or engrossed in phones, TV etc that we never get a chance to stop and listen to each other.
Our need to be accepted for who we are: I often talk about the need to accept ourselves but this is so much easier if we were always accepted for being us when we were growing up. Even as adults when we are responsible for our own lives it can feel easier and safer to conform; being and doing what others expect of us rather than doing or being what we feel is right for us. This can be particularly true between family members. The problem then comes when we lose sight of who we are and what we really want. We find ourselves living our life to please others, which can result in resentment and dissatisfaction.
Our need to feel emotional safe and express emotions: Did you ever hear the phase "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." or similar messages that told you it was not the place to express your emotions? We all feel anger at times, but how it is perceived can be very different. A child may feel angry at something, for example they felt they have been treated unfairly and then their parents helped them to understand why they were angry and taught them how to deal with it. Alternatively, their parents punished them for being angry without the help or explanation to manage it. They soon learned it was not safe to express their emotions so they pushed them down and held them in.
Our need to rebel and still feel accepted: Having spent many years working with teenagers I have seen the push and pull of contrasting needs. The need to feel the safety and security of belonging to a family, while leaving it and finding their own path and own identity. Can I disagree with you and still be OK with you? If this breaks down, either because the teenager no longer feels part of family, or they are restricted and can never explore their own path this need may not be met. It can leave a rebellious side that always gets repressed. Our lived experience may tell us that it is not emotionally safe to do our own thing and be different so we seek the safety of conforming to what others want. We may decide to rebel much later on in life, with a mid-life crisis or decide we want to stand out with coloured hair in later life, finally being in a position to get in touch with our rebellious side.
What you never had you never miss
We are more likely to be conscious of when our physical needs are not met, we become hungry, scared, cold etc. However, when our emotional needs are not met this can be out of our awareness; and become our normal.
Within a therapeutic relationship we can explore the yearnings of our human emotional needs which were never met, bringing these into awareness. They have never gone away, and can remain as that deep yearning, affecting the way we feel about ourselves and interact with others.
Always looking to others to fill your void: Without being aware of it we can be always trying to fill the void of these needs by looking to other people. It’s not that we are too needy, it’s that we have unmet needs we are not conscious of, it's like we are crying out for something without being able to be clear and express what it is. Once we have awareness, and accept that we have this need we can look for ways of learning to meet our needs effectively.
We habitually continue to meet our physical needs, but do we meet our emotional needs?
Most of us were taught about the need to be clothed, fed and how to keep ourselves safe. We build on these teachings in adult life adapting them to suit our preference. But when our emotional needs were not met, and we had to bury them, it can be so much more difficult to be aware of these needs and ensure they are met in our adult lives. It's only when we become aware of these needs that we can learn to meet them ourselves, a term which can be known as reparenting.
Some useful ways of meeting your unmet needs:
1) Start to reflect on what it is you need, what were your experiences and what needs did you have that were not met?
2) Recognise how you respond to these unmet needs, what is it you yearn for?
3) Accept that you have these needs. Find compassion for yourself instead of being critical for having the need.
4) Explore what you can do to get your needs met.
i) What can you do to meet your needs? e.g. A fluffy warm blanket can feel great as you learn to comfort yourself.
ii) Learn to clearly express your needs to others. Find a safe partner, friend, or relation and express your needs and how they can support you in learning to meet those needs.
I hope you found this useful.
I value all feedback so do leave a comment below.
Maz
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