Finding calm in emotional turmoil.
Published by Maz in Reclaiming Calm · 25 April 2024
Hi, In this blog I look at the tools we can use to regulate ourselves when we become emotionally overwhelmed. It's about restoring our nervous system to a balance which keeps us calm, in control.
When we are 'regulated' we feel calm, engaged and able to connect with ourselves and others.
In my 2nd blog on managing our ups and downs I list ways we experience being regulated, and also the different ways we can experience dysregulation.
Dan Seigel termed the phrase "Window of Tolerance" which I like, it's the window in which we can successfully manage and respond to the stresses which come our way.
When we are triggered by something or someone, we can leave this window and become dysregulated.
Some signs of dysregulation -
*Anxious, find it difficult to make decisions.
*React out of control, angry or defensive.
*Impulsive, making risky decisions not thinking them through.
*Want to hide, feel weak and powerless.
*Feel disconnected, useless, depressed.
Again, see my 2nd blog on Managing your ups and downs for more details.
Become aware about how you are responding in situations.
The more attuned you are to your body and its responses the more you can be aware that you are leaving the window of tolerance and becoming dysregulated.
How wide is your window of tolerance?
Narrow window: When you are easily emotionally overwhelmed, anxious or disconnected with yourself and others.
Many factors can cause us to have a narrow window of tolerance including stresses in our current home or work life. We may have had parents or carers who could not manage their own emotions so we were never taught to manage ours, giving us a low tolerance.
Whatever the reason it is never too late to learn the skills to help you stay regulated and return to that window of tolerance.
Wide window: The more we use and practice these skills the more our window extends so you can cope more and react less.
Skills for self-regulation:
Breathing. Central to our existence .. but so often ignored.
Being dysregulated means that we focus on head noise, or become disconnected with our bodies in some way. So, we need to focus back on our bodies, and the best way to start this is our breathing.
1) Focus on your breathing and slow it down. When we are dysregulated, we often breathe fast.
2) Try to spend longer on the exhale as this slows the heart rate down.
3) Is your breathing shallow or deep? Try breathing from your belly.
NOTE: Most people find deep breathing calming, however some find it overwhelming if this is the case focus on slowing it down, or use other methods for regulation).
4) Find what works for you as a routine and practice it.
*Putting your hand on your heart and or ribs can help.
*Count in a box routine of inhale hold then exhale.
*Breath in through your nose, out through your mouth.
*Spend time trying out different ways and see what works for you.
There are lots of ideas on google, worth having a look at.
Then when you find what's best for you, practice and develop the skill.
ALSO try these different ways to keep yourself regulated and connected and see which work for you.
Grounding: This is where you change your focus onto your body. The more you do this the more you become attuned to what is going on with your emotions, body responses and how you really feel.
* Start with your feet on the floor, best if you have bare feet. Focus on the connection between your feet and the tiles, grass, sand etc.
*Focus on each part of your body. Breathing into it as you go, make connections with each part of you.
Sense of smell: There may well be a smell which you find calming, if so, it's worth keeping this on hand and enjoy the comfort it brings as you breathe it in deeply.
An imaginary safe place of escape: This may be a place we have been as a child or adult. A meaningful place we felt safe and secure. A place we can remember and go back in our minds, recalling the smells, sounds and sights. Or we can have a photo on hand we can look at and take ourselves back to it.
The seaside often comes up, you can take yourself back and remember the feel of the water on your feet the sand between your toes.
It's worth going back regularly to top up if you get chance.
Sense of hearing: Some sounds can be calming. It’s worth experimenting and seeing what sounds work for you, often the natural sounds of animals, birds and nature can work well.
Calming Anchor: This is where you choose something concrete which represents something or someone that feels safe to you. You can keep it close by and it will bring you calm. This is very individual.
Mantra's - Self-talk - This is your own special message which you repeat to yourself. When a message is repeated enough times the brain takes in on board. Consider;
If your message to yourself is "I am stupid", "I am going to fail" etc then this is what you will believe.
If your message to yourself is "I am safe", or "I am strong" or "I can be calm" then you take that on board.
So explore what message you need to hear and include your message with your breathing routine and allow yourself to embrace it. Remember the tone of voice needs to be compassionate and caring not judgemental and harsh.
Stroking your arms or legs: It may sound strange but this way of regulating yourself can be really effective, and is also more common than you would think. If you are a people watcher you can often see people stroking up and down their legs, or arms. This may well be unconscious; they have just learnt that it is soothing and do it without thinking. The action needs to be slow, gentle and firm where your focus is on the connection between your hands and legs or arms.
Patting yourself: Gently but firmly patting your arms or chest can also help you to regulate yourself. This is not so easy in company as it can look strange but well worth trying.
A safe space in your home: To have a place to go to and just take stock. A place of safety, comfort, which means you can stop, do your breathing and take the time you need.
I hope you find these ideas useful and you can explore what works best for you to keep you regulated.
We are not all the same and it takes a while to learn what best suits you.
When you find this it's worth practicing at least daily, or as often as you can so that you have good resources to call upon when you're feeling overwhelmed and dysregulated.
Your feedback is always welcome, either on this blog or on social media posts. First names are fine.
1 review
Kate
08 May 2024
Very calming suggestions to use in times of stress or to use daily in a quiet moment. Helps my mind to connect and listen to my body. Thank you 😊